i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
