oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
