Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
