Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
