I met the friendliest cop last night
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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