if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
