Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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