bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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