I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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