I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
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dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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