I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
