Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
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