I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
