absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Randomize
