I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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