i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
