Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
