I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Someone shattered a urinal.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
