if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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