So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
he thought i was a dude.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
You took a bar mat shot.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Randomize
