So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
