I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
