i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
