so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
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Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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