Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
This house was built for laser tag.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
