We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
