I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
