WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
