I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
