Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Randomize
