is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
