I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
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