So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
