I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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