i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I stole a fireplace last night.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
