dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
