mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
