I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
