We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
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