i think my tv is drunk
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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