I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Why are your pants in the freezer?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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