i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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