I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
