two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
