Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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