I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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