The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
