Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Randomize
