Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
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