If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
