discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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