glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
please don't ironically join a cult
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