you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
