I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
