You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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