I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
