I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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