I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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