She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
